I’m am not what you call a ladies’ man, I’m not the hunchback of Notre-Dame (nice bloke), but I’m far too geeky and awkward to smooth talk a piece of plain white bread, let alone a member of the opposite sex this is why I rely on marital aids like this panty vibrator when it comes to intimacy.  On occasion however a female has been known to be of sufficient drunkenness to consider talking to me, and oddly on even rarer occasions they have actually decided they’d like to talk to me again the next day with a view to locking lips at some point in the future … maybe even when sober. Smiley face.

Usually though, the thought of even reaching what I’m led to believe is ‘first base’ all gets a bit too much and I implode, ruining any prospective ‘moment’ that may have been heading my way, and no I don’t mean that in a in a rude slightly messy way.  I mean I just say or do the wrong thing and ultimately fail.  You have sick minds, the lot of you!

So, with the above legacy of woe in mind, I have created a listing of my own and others greatest failings with members of the opposite sex whilst on the road.  Let it serves as a reminder to you as to how not to behave around a female whilst on the road, if you’re at all interested in them.  Laugh and learn.

• Do not under any circumstances decide to get your ear pierced 2 days into a new travel romance when you have an unequivocal fear of needles!  … I fainted, she held my hand, I died a little inside. (ME)

• Do not invite a member of the opposite sex back to you hostel dorm room thinking that it’s a romantic gesture.  Your room probably stinks, will have other couples at it during the night and someone will probably try piss in the bin at some point.  It is not a romantic setting, avoid! (EVERYONE)
• Don’t just willy-nilly give the opposite sex, especially those you just met, butt and anal plugs. They may make a great gift to your girlfriend but that doesn’t mean every girl wants it from you. Just don’t.

• Kissing after vomiting is a no no.  It is not ok to vomit whilst in the process of chatting someone up, only to try kiss them after said vomiting.  This is especially bad if you have been drinking snakebite all evening.  I suggest trying to avoid the vomiting bit altogether. (DEF NOT ME)

• The lasso is not an acceptable move on the dancefloor.  My mate in Sydney swore by it but I was never to see it provide positive results.  If male, stick to the dance detailed by Will Smith in Hitch.  Do not leave that 2-step position or else fairies will die. (NOT ME BUT A MATE, SO SHAME BY ASSOCIATION)

• I am not a fan of mopeds, they usually have chavtastic kids who have no road sense driving, they weave through endless traffic jams and knock off any and all wing mirrors that might be in their way, and to top it off they sound just awful, like a handheld vacuum.  I would never therefore hire one, add to that if I did hire one i’d probably just get scammed, I think my argument is fairly full proof.  People do though, lads especially.  I can appreciate they are an inexpensive way of getting around countries such as Thailand, but if you insist on pulling wheelies at 3am after you’ve had a skin full only to crash, write off the bike, break you leg and leave a small puddle of blood in the road which I later tred in (true story), I have very little/no sympathy for you.  You will also look an idiot, and i’m pretty sure that girl you’ve been chatting to will not find your leg cast and weeping wounds sexy.

• Playing with fire is always a little silly.  I’m sure a bunsen burner taught you one or two harsh lessons whilst at school. Yes we’re talking about literal fire here.  Those fella’s twirling beautiful coloured fire sticks on the beach may look impressive, and yes they probably get lots of attention because of it, good for them.  They are also sober and have practiced for many hours to become that good.  You on the other hand are drunk and completely void of any co-ordination.  Do not think that attempting to jump an enormous flaming skipping rope, tripping and burning yourself so badly that you have to have treatment for the remainder of your trip is an attractive gesture.  (MANY, BUT SADLY ME TOO, I STILL FEEL STUPID)

• Do not suggest dancing on a podium with your new squeeze as a good idea, especially not when intoxicated.  For one you’ll look like a knob, and two you will probably have lost some sense of balance if you’ve taken on enough boozy goodness.  Falling off a podium and onto your new friend, elbow dropping her in the process will not impress, it will (did) probably hurt her instead. (NOT ME)

• Do not lay on a thick (fake) cockney accent as soon as the word London is mentioned in a conversation.  Firstly its quite an aggressive dialect (lack of a better word), and secondly the other person probably won’t have a clue what you’re saying and will just stare at your blankly before leaving the room.  (KINDA ME)

Conclusion

Lucky for me, times have now changed and the whole geek thing is now working for me to a certain extent.  I have a lovely mrs who being half irish, hovers at just the right amount of drunk throughout the year to put up with me.  Take my advice though and avoid scenario’s like the above, they will do you no favours, sexually or otherwise.  You’ll have to let certain standards slide whilst on the move and backpacking, but you standard of human decency is one that should remain in tack, especially if you want to make friends.

Any fails you guys wish to share, i’d be glad to laugh at them … I mean hear them.